COLA: A crisis that won't go to waste

An imaginary phone conversation in late July between White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel and Social Security Commissioner Michael Astrue:

Emanuel: Yeah, Mike, what is it?

Astrue (hesitatingly): My budget director just informed me of, well, you might call it a looming crisis.

Emanuel: Crisis! Keep talking.

Astrue: Well, every year at this time we use a complicated financial formula to determine how much COLA—Social Security’s Cost of Living Adjustment—to apply to recipients’ benefits in the coming year. For example, this year we gave them a 5.8 percent increase in monthly benefits. But for the next two years....

Emanuel: Yeah, go on.

Astrue: Well, this year, the formula tells us there is no inflation because gas prices are lower and the computer calculates there should be no COLA for the next two years. In fact, benefits will actually be decreased because of the rising cost to Medicare beneficiaries due increasing prescription drug costs.

Emanuel: What the @#$%! Are you telling me you want to cut Social Security benefits and increase costs to 57 million voters over the next two years?

Astrue: If we follow policy procedures...like I said, we have a looming crisis to deal with.

Emanuel: That’s great, Mike!

Astrue: What...?

Emanuel: Like I always say, we can’t let a good crisis go to waste!

Astrue: How do you do that?

Emanuel (impatiently): Make good on COLA...obviously! Bump up the @#$%^&* monthly checks by—it’s got to be impressive—say six percent. I mean, if Congress can give themselves a @#$%^&* pay raise, they @#$%^&* better give grandma a little more.

Astrue: You’re talking about...right off the top of my head...maybe a couple of billion dollars. We don’t have that kind of room in our budget.

Emanuel (growing more impatient): Stimulous funds, Mike, simulous funds! We’ve got a few hundred billion left and we’re being @#$%^&* criticized for not spending it. And it would come right on the heels of our successful “Cash for Clunkers.”

Astrue: Do you need legislation to do it?

Emanuel: Probably not, but it’ll look @#$%^&* great for Obama to get the ball rolling with Reid and Pelosi. Think of it: Everyone in Congress will jump on the bandwagon.

Astrue: Obama will make good on his campaign promise to promote bipartisanship. He’ll be a hero! And it’ll be a win-win for Congress—Democrats and Republicans! And the voters—wow! Anything to help grandma!

Emanuel: And it will demonstratate that Obama and Congress are adept at meeting retirement and health care demands through government-run agencies.

Astrue: It might be just the thing to push ObamaCare through Congress.

Emanuel: Now, you’re @#$%^&* talkin’.

Astrue: And it will crowd a few other problem stories off the front page—like socialized health care, Obama’s plan to cut a half billion bucks from Medicare, “Death Panels,” and that VA end of life booklet...“Your Life, Your Choice.”

Emanuel: Yeah...and it might even quiet down that @#$%^&* Fox News for a while.

Astrue: Well, all I can say is, looks like this COLA crisis is one more that won’t go to waste.

Emanuel: You got that @#$%^&* right! You get a scary story about the COLA problem out to the news media and let it simmer for a while. The bigger the crisis, the better! I’ll get the wheels in motion to have everything in place for when Congress reconvenes in September. Emergency legislation is a slam-dunk! Look, I gotta run. I’ll meet with Obama and phone Reid and Pelosi and tell ‘em exactly what to do.

Astrue: Just watch Obama’s polls go up after this!